My Personal Jabberwocky

I know who I am

jdl@jabberwocky.ws (J.D.) — Sat, 18 Jul 2009 04:52:07 GMT

In some ways the Navy has taught me a lot about patience. Not directly. Definitely not directly. However, as I've become a little more "adult" and slowly started to unravel what I want to do with the rest of my life I have come to realize that the "rest of my life" is still a long way off. And because of that it's important for me to remain patient.

This blog is the growing representation of that patience. Everything I am writing here I write as part of my evolution toward a later time when I will be able to write independently. That's a time when I will no longer belong to any of the institutions that currently plague me and hold back my development. High school, college and the Navy are all a part of that group. Unfortunately I cannot just abandon them. Despite the fact that they are a hindrance to me, I still have things to learn from them. I still have advantages, even passive ones, to gain here as a writer.

That's where the patience comes in because I'm at the point in my Navy career where I am going to see an equal number of people getting out as are coming in. I am at the original end of my own enlistment if I hadn't extended it until the end of my time on the Nimitz.

So, when I see my friends or even just coworkers finding themselves on the way out with reasons I could easily use for my own way out I find it very hard not to follow in their footsteps. After all, one reason (going to college) is not only legitimate but it would also push me farther along my path into the final institution between me and life.

Still, while the argument is a weak one, I do not want to be a guy with an administrative discharge, or the guy that took an early-out, and I definitily would be a quitter in my own mind. No, I need these last couple of years in the Navy. I never really joined the Navy with a goal, but I've developed one over the years and that goal includes an Honorable Discharge. The possibility of going into politics wouldn't even be worth trying without one (not yet in my plans, either).

In this same vein I've learned a lot of patience with relationships, even though this is more in theory than in practice. I know what I want, what I need, and I know I can't look for just anyone to help ease my lonliness. Still, that's hard because I can look at all the people around me and stand dumbfounded at my inability to find someone considering some of these people can divorce one and marry the next before I've even had a chance to look.

Again: Patience. I know I'm not cut out for the military lifestyle and my attitude toward writing would make it difficult to live with a military person. I also know any relationship I form will need time to grow and the few months between deployments is not enough for that. I have conservative standards that are not only rare by society's standards but near invisible in my normal social circle. So, I must continue looking when and where I can (like church instead of the ship, for example) and hope God leads me in the right direction. He does have a tendency to do that even though it's been a long time since I was going in the completely right direction.

I know who I am.
I am a writer who doesn't write.
I am a Sailor who doesn't want to sail.
I am a romantic at heart who has no one to give his heart to.

And all of this is okay as long as I have patience.

A little more Israel

jdl@jabberwocky.ws (J.D.) — Sun, 12 Jul 2009 03:57:21 GMT

I have started to develop this Israel story a little more. I like the idea and it has always been a story I want to write. What's funny is where I've been writing. I don't write at home. Two computers, an xbox 360 and my DVD collection ensure that will never happen.

I also can't write at work because I don't have any privacy. People always have to bother me with one thing or another. We have a very immobile job, but the Navy belief is that if you aren't moving then you aren't working. So it's hard to find a moment of peace at work to jot down my thoughts.

Still there is one place at work I can write and it is in that place where I've done most of my writing in the last few weeks: standing watch. Watch is just a simple part of Navy duty that involves standing in one usually visible place for several hours as part of the security of the ship. Some people stand watch and check the ID's of people trying to come on board. Some people stand watch looking for incoming ships or stand watch to make sure other sailors aren't going where they don't belong.

My watch is fairly uncomplicated and involves assigning escorts to any visitors coming on board the ship that don't have the proper access (like construction workers). So my watch is pretty dull and usually goes for 3 to 5 hours. Turns out this is the perfect time to write. I can write for several hours unimpeded. The only problem is that I have to write on paper. I hate doing that because when I get going my thoughts are moving faster than my fingers can go. Heck, that's one of the problems of writing this blog from my phone.

Anyway, it has worked out well for me and I even traded for a harder watch at one point so I'd have more time. I don't usually write the entire time as it can get tiring for me, but the longer the watch is the more I can get down before I give up.

So what have I written about? As I said, I have been developing this Israel story. For some reason I am finding it really difficult to write the stories I think I want to write. Most of my writings concern the broad histories of the more specific stories I "plan" to write. So, too, is the content of my most recent writings.

In the explanation of the metaphor I wanted this "Jew Planet" to have an old history with the "German Planet" where a charismatic leader from the latter spread into the galaxy with an intention to destroy the former. After a long and brutal struggle with the intervening Humanity Alliance the Germans fell and the Jews were almost wiped out.

So my most recent writings put the "modern time" of the story in perspective by describing this great war, which I have called "The Hunt." The leader's name is the Mule and he unites the warring Germanic tribes in an effort to take over the galaxy using illegal technology he has developed such as Pulse Fields that render complicated machines inert, sound-powered weapons that can operate in those fields, organic ships that generate pulse fields and thus make space battles impossible, biological weapons that specifically target certain races (like the Jews) the Mule considers inferior, and genetically engineered insects that feed on human blood and require the destruction of entire planets to keep them from spreading. The last was inspired by my recent flea problem.

All of these things, plus the playing out of events during The Hunt, will decide just how the story of the Israel planet develops. And thanks to plenty of watches I now have a very large history to draw from if I ever sit down to write the story. Hopefully that happens sooner rather than later.

I also have plans to incorporate current events (from the invasion of Lebanon and Gaza to the rise of Hezbollah in the Middle East) with my own twist on how they should play out (and never do).

Maybe I'll work on the actual story during my next watch.

Eloi! Eloi! Lama sabactheni!

jdl@jabberwocky.ws (J.D.) — Sun, 28 Jun 2009 03:47:26 GMT

Funny. I make a post about distractions on the 19th and it ends up more than a week before I make another blog post. In that time I have not written a thing.

I started to write about a young planet branching into space while the larger and older neighbors conspire to keep that from happening. It would be a metaphor for Israel in the 20th century. It starts with the terrorist explosion of the young planet's newest space station and, after the cries for aid go ignored by the rest of the galaxy, then the planet takes matters into their own hands to gain a foothold in the universe.

Of course in my story Israel wouldn't back down from intergalactic pressure and would go on to dominate it's allies -- something modern day Israel is too chicken to try.

Unfortunately when I sat down to write I only got as far as the terrorists attacking the space station when my furniture arrived. Now I have even more distractions in the form of an xbox, computer and DVD collection.

Hopefully I will find time to write this week. I would like to go back to my story on the aircraft carrier ordered to protect Earth after humanity's evacuation to the stars.

With my luck I'll probably barely write my name this week. Maybe I should quit the world... Move to Alaska... Live in the mountains and then I'd be able to write! Don't think I haven't thought about it.

Distractions

jdl@jabberwocky.ws (J.D.) — Fri, 19 Jun 2009 18:25:42 GMT

I am distracted from writing every day. These are normal, routine, distractions associated with the cost of living that everyone endures. I do not think I am alone in these distractions. I am sure everyone suffers from similar issues, so I follow the advice of one of my favorite comedians Kevin James when he says, "Don't sweat the small stuff."

I also have the added cost of being a Sailor. These distractions are also normal even if they are unique. These include things like standing watch, 24 hour duty sections, TAD, ship movement and any other number of Navy-oriented occurances that might serve to hinder my long term goals. Like before, these are not distractions I can avoid so I learn to work around them or with them. Hopefully some day I will learn to not let these distractions halt me in my tracks as they so often tend to do.

Of course, over the past couple of days I have found myself hit with distractions that not only stop me from writing, they stop me from everything else. These distractions are small but numerous and the babies live off poop while the adults feed on blood.

Yes, I have been hit with fleas in my home. They are everywhere now. On me. On my roommate. In our clothes. In our cars. My legs look like a minefield of flea bites. This is quite possibly one of the worst distractions a writer can face. I can't concentrate enough to write. Even this blog entry is challenging.

Hopefully by this evening, after the exterminator comes and everything I own has been sprayed or washed, then I will be free of the paranoia of fleas and disease. It really has been some crappy times dealing with this crap and I do not want to do it ever again.

Metaphors

jdl@jabberwocky.ws (J.D.) — Sun, 14 Jun 2009 03:22:31 GMT

Most of the famous authors include a lot of metaphors and hidden philosophies in their works.

Frank Herbert's Dune has many environmental metaphors such as the desert planet that was once covered in water and the single resource of spice (oil) that the Universe depends on. Asimov deals a lot with Robots developing their Humanity, and C.S. Lewis has religious metaphors throughou his Narnia books.

Does the inclusion of a metaphor come naturally to these artists? Perhaps that is the difference between a good writer and a great one. Dune was built around an entertaining story... Not a speech about the environment, yet those "lessons" were so prevalent in his writings that the original book became a sort of environmental guide to college students.

Lewis had very strong opinions about religion, but for a kid (like me when I first read those books) the Narnia chronicles were simply fantastic stories about lions and princes and exploration.

Many books I have stopped reading because the "I want you to learn this..." message was too obvious and stole me away from the story. Some books seem to include no inner metaphor at all, and they suffer for it as well by becoming too simplistic.

So how do I know where my stories lie on the metaphorical spectrum? And how can I make sure what I write about isn't becoming too simple without sacrificing the entertainment of the story?

Should I even worry about the metaphor at all? Maybe it will come naturally since writing is how I plan to voice my opinions.

Maybe I need a sounding board to tell me what they see in my story. Frank Herbert used his wife. I need to find myself a wife.

Or a good metaphor for one.

Writer that Doesn't Write Part 2

jdl@jabberwocky.ws (J.D.) — Sat, 13 Jun 2009 05:59:46 GMT

Want to know something else? When I'm not writing... When I'm thinking about my writing... When I stare at that computer for an hour... You know what I feel more than anything? Lonliness.

Even now I wonder if that is pathetic... Silly even. I mean, I have been alone for a long time. I used to consider God as my partner in crime, but it has been a while. I've never met friends with the same mindset as I have. I look for what I consider the right kind of relationship in the wrong kind of places.

My writing is all I have when it comes to expressing myself, and I can't even do that well.

What's a Writer that Doesn't Write?

jdl@jabberwocky.ws (J.D.) — Sat, 13 Jun 2009 05:30:53 GMT

You know what I did instead of writing today? I drove around. For hours. Listened to some music. Drove halfway to L.A. Then turned around and drove back.

Why do I even call myself a writer when it's obvious I am not? Can't be a writer if you do not WRITE. Right?

Being on this ship provides me the perfect opportunity to write. I don't do much and, at least while we're in port, I have a lot of down time. Still I squander this time because I do not know how to finish my stories.

I worry they may not end well. I worry they are not unique enough to separate me from the pack of what must be several thousands of writers. I do not anticipate winning many awards or Shaking any scientific theories. If that's true, what will I accomplish with my writing? Who do I want to impact?

How do I make a difference?

Two more ideas

jdl@jabberwocky.ws (J.D.) — Fri, 12 Jun 2009 03:15:12 GMT

I have often thought about trying to go into politics. Unforrunately I lack many things i would need to be a successful politician: money, reputation and connections. To overcome these I thought I would need to do something rather unconventional to stand out from any ordinary politician.

Of course, since I have decided to focus on writing I have neither the time nor the willpower to do any of it. Still, I think about it often and last night it occured to me that I could turn these adventures in my head into a story. I rather like that idea, and it would be different from my normal sci-fi oriented themes.

My other idea travels along the same veign. One of the other things I have thought about is what I would do if I wrote religious books or became a pastor. I have thought about that a lot because public speaking is something I enjoy and preaching looks like fun.

In deciding what to do with my life I ultimately rejected this as a possibility because it was too comfortable a thought.

Writing, politics, preaching and comedian were all things I heavily considered workinh toward. Unfortunately I am not that funny, and preaching/politicking sounded too simple... Like I could always do those if I wanted. Writing stuck with me. What a challenge that would be! In a world growing more dependent on video games, television and iphones (on which i am typing this by the way) becoming a writer seems almost absurd.

Still, I want to express myself. I want to put my philosophy and emotion down in a way that people will read it and either learn from it or send me hatemail. I look forward to both.

So as for my second idea, I would like to explore the fiction of a young man becoming a pastor and religious writer.

I have often thought about writing my own religious fiction, but the only religious fiction i would really want to compare to would be C.S. Lewis, and how could I ever hope to compare to that?

The only other religious fiction I have read and enjoyed were the Left Behind books, but I equate their educated reading level to that of the average Harry Potter fan. I do not want my own writing to end up like that.

Try, try again!

jdl@jabberwocky.ws (J.D.) — Thu, 11 Jun 2009 05:59:23 GMT

This is my second attempt to update this blog more regularly. Now I will do it from my iphone. Part of the reason I always hated updating my blog was the sheer amount of steps I had to go through just to publish a post. I do not care about fancy graphics or javascript. I just want to write and I want to use this blog to document my progress toward writing. So, here goes...

How do I become a writer? I can write all day, but what does that get me if that writing goes nowhere? Frank herbert, Isaac Asimov, Stephen King... These guys got started by publishing short stories, but they also wrote stories during a time when short story magazines were popular. Who reads short story magazines anymore? How does anyone gain a reputation as a writer writing for magazines no one gives a damn about anymore?

Maybe I should worry less about establishing myself as a competent writer and worry more about actually finishing a story I have started.

I hate writing.

Personal Jabberwocky

jdl@jabberwocky.ws (J.D.) — Mon, 17 Nov 2008 11:18:00 GMT

I want to be a writer.

This is something I've decided to dedicate myself to. Unfortunately, that's all I've got. I actually have writer's block for my life. This blog's purpose is now going to chronicle how I shake that block. There are a lot of distractions in my life right now: video games, the Navy, college, life as a whole serves as a distraction, my inability to write coherently.

I need to find a way to overcome these things and burst onto the writing scene.

Originally, I started this blog to write about Video Games and Video Game Journalism. One of the reasons for this was to give me a foundation for a "normal" career to break into. Since I want to be a journalist and most journalism is bogged down by stupidity I thought Video Game Journalism would be a great place to go because it's fairly new. Plus, being a journalist seems like a great place to start my career as a writer.

There are no real pioneers or leaders in video game journalism. Most of the jobs revolve around reviewing games after being bought out by the publisher to give it a good review. The little video game journalism that is out there doesn't really follow a set trend and video game journalism, more than most other forms of journalism, has been tainted by the blogosphere and video-sharing sites like YouTube.

That brings me to another point.

Journalism is a joke.

I wanted to be a journalist because I thought it'd be a unique and fun way for me to find a career that wouldn't keep me behind a desk or wasting away in Middle America. Turns out all the training I've had for journalism and all the experience I've gotten while in the Navy amounts to just about... nothing.

All you need is a 2-year-old with a videocamera or an idiot with internet access to be a journalist. Blogs ruin journalism in my opinion, but if you look hard enough you can still find those hard-working journalists putting their skills to work. The problem with that is, who cares?

Who cares that Roger Ebert has an amazingly well-written blog about movies, politics and his personal life? Who cares that former Electronics Gaming Monthly Editor-in-Chief Dan Hsu has a great blog about gaming journalism?

No one. Because everything on the Blogosphere is the same. Whether you want well-written rants about indie movies or the guy that saw Obama in the shopping mall and played a fart joke on him, you can find it out there and, much like Celebrity Gossip Columns, it'll all keep you entertained but it won't really change your life.

I'm not that kind of guy. I want to change lives. I want to make a difference. I don't want to be an unknown. I don't want to change the world, I just want to impact it.

So, with all of this ranting about how bad the blogosphere is, why am I blogging? This isn't for you. This isn't for the Internet. This is for me.

I need a way to write because the only way to become a better writer is to keep writing. So I will use this blog to post all of my thoughts, however useless they might be. Some posts might not make much sense or ramble on, like this one, but hopefully in the end it will come together and help me find my way as a writer.